And so begins my long history of using Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins as my own personal therapy. In September 1995, I was happy, confident and fairly popular in my school, and two months later, all of my confidence, happiness and popularity had seemingly disappeared into mid air. Because, the girl I trusted the msot, more than my own sister, more than my mother, had told the school my favorite pastime was killing babies in my basement. And while it was petty, and dumb, and insanely unbelievable, they believed it. They threw pieces of paper at me in the halls which read "Witch and bitch rhyme, and you are the example why" among other things. My beloved cat Curli died n January of that year. I teetered on full depression. No one at my school would be seen talking to me. My parents refused to let me buy a headstone for Curli. Perhaps all of this sounds stupid and juvenile to you. Like the troubles of someone who doesn't know what troubles are. But to me, it was my first dose of exclusion, pain, and utter depression. The experience purged my body of anytype of joy, any type of idea of happiness. And then I met a girl I'll call "Jade".

Jade was new to my school. People automatically saw her skin, which was plagued by acne, as a outer display of her personality. She was almost instantly an outcast. It made me feel horrible. At least I'd had a chance being happy at this school, and at least my peers had a reason, however ridiculous, that they thought they could wield as a reason to avoid me. So I befriended Jade. We were quick friends, surprisingly enough; I was pleasantly surprised to see that her shyness, like mine, dropped away once she left the school beuilding. We spent many days simply talking about next to nothing. And then, one day in May, Jade handed me a wrapped present. It looked about the size of a Cd, but was too thick to be one. "What's this?" I asked.
"Where I used to live, in Oregon," she said, "It was common for friends to just randomly give each other gifts. You don't owe me anything, and if you try to give me something now, I won't accept it. Give me something when you feel you should." Taken aback by ehr generosity, I unwrapped it. I had been wrong, it was a cd. TWO cds. SOmething called Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by some group called the Smashing Pumpkins. I'd never heard of them. (to understand this, you have to know that up until 1996, i wasn't much into music). I thanked Jade politely, went home, and stuck it under a book.

I didn't touch the cd until June, when, one tnight I got incredibly depressed, overcome by the utter despair that surrouned me. I grabbed it, put the first cd into my player, and then went back to crying. And about ten minutes later, after the first track, someone began to sing. "Time...is never time at all.."

The voice I heard that night made me stop crying and listen closely to the song, tracing the words with my mind. And I listened to that Cd over and over and over, and the second one in the set too. And so the Smashing Pumpkins slowly saved me.

It's been three years since that night, and I have had my sanity saved by the Pumpkins and Billy Corgan many times since then. The Pumpkins' latest album, Adore, came out on June 2nd, 1998. The layered, intertwining melodies enticed my ear and I knew that once more, I was hooked. On July 7th,1998, I went to the Smashing Pumpkins concert in Chicago, where I live. That night, the Pumpkins were amazing. It was the first time I'd heard them perform live and the power of being only 200 yards from Billy Corgan--the energy he just seemed to have--was incredible. That night, the band donated $500,000 to the Make a Wish foundation, and children who were there because of that organization came onto the stage and sang "Today". Corgan was obviously touched and hugged each child. I was on the brink of tears.

Adoration exists only because Billy Corgan and his music have managed to asave me a million times, to pull me back from the brink. I want this site to be my sign of appreciation to him. For I am indebted in so many ways to Billy Corgan.